In my quest to find relief and healing from my life traumas and diagnosed PTSD, I turned to writing.
Writing was suggested to me by several therapists as a process to find freedom. Writing about your trauma with help with the healing process, I was told.
In my enthusiasm and eagerness to find relief and be normal for once, I went all out and gung ho with writing.
I started writing and took writing classes to improve my craft, eventually earning a master’s degree in English. If writing will help me heal, earning a master’s degree will guarantee me complete healing, I thought. I thought wrong.
I believed the more I wrote, the sooner and better I would become healed. I wrote hundreds of pages in my English classes and started a memoir. Now, 400 pages later in my memoir, I think I made a mistake. I haven’t found relief from my symptoms. Going deep into my memory to write details of my experiences and especially my feelings have been counterproductive. I have been retraumatized.
It has been a long, difficult road to travel in writing my memoir. I realize now that completing it will not bring me healing. I do hope that in finishing my work, I will feel a sense of accomplishment, and that will result in a positive effect on my psyche. That motivates me to continue.
I stop typing to wipe my sweaty palm on the upholstered arms of my reclining chair.
I have found redirecting my writing away from my trauma to other subjects beneficial. I have also found developing this website and writing blogs here most productive, and it has made me feel positive. Taking my focus away from my trauma brought me to a better place. Perhaps someday, if this continues, I can experience some kind of happiness.
I was foolish to think the more I wrote, the more and faster I would be healed.
Why wasn’t I told by professionals that writing helps with trauma in most cases but not for all?
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