As I cruise and coast around on Facebook, out of sheer boredom, I often find memorials pop up for men who have died of AIDS. Most of the memorials are posted by friends and family members who miss their departed loved ones.
I can relate to the men a great deal. Many of them were around my age, born in the 1960s, and too many of them died too young, often in the 1980s, when I was in college.
As I struggle daily with the hardships of my life and often wish my pain would end, I am moved by some of the bios of the men whose lives were half as long or even a third as long as mine is now.
It’s said that life is a gift. Perhaps I should appreciate my gift more when considering those men who lived shorter lives than I.
As I read the bios of the men, I say a little prayer to myself for them and their loved ones who miss them.
One of the bios, in particular, moved me. He was my age and died at the age of 22. Although young, he lived a full life and found some success. I am still dealing with success or the lack thereof, and wonder if I will ever live a fulfilling, successful life.
This is The AIDS Memorial for James Allen Rideout, Jr.
“James Allen Rideout, Jr., (1965 – 1988) who was known to his friends as Eric, and who appeared in films as Kurt Marshall, died at Hollywood Presbyterian Hospital in Los Angeles. The cause of death was listed as kidney failure.
One of fifteen children, he was born in Waterville, Maine, and was a track star and swimmer during his high school years. After graduation, the tall, blond youth moved to California and entered San Francisco State University.
In 1984, he made his debut in Matt Sterling’s Sizing Up and subsequently made only three other films – all for Falcon Studios – The Other Side of Aspen ll, Splash Shots, and Night Flight. He told interviewers that he became a model (appearing in Mandate and Advocate Men) to help pay for his college education.
In 1986, he tested HIV positive, came out to his family, and entered a drug treatment program. He moved to San Diego in 1987, then to Los Angeles in 1988, where he worked for a construction company until his final hospitalization.
In a 1986 interview in Stallion magazine, he said, “I think to be gay is to be blessed. We have so much freedom, so many choices. This isn’t our moment to party or to think we’re going to stay young forever … maybe it’s our time to find someone to be safe with … to be happy with. The only way you can judge anything is through your own eyes – something is bad only if it affects you badly. If the outcome of anything is good, you can’t look back and think it was wrong … I have no regrets.”
Fade Out, Manshots #whatisrememberedlives
James’ outlook on life I find profound. I, too, have a similar “don’t judge me unless you have walked in my shoes” attitude and philosophy of life.
I, on the other hand, have many regrets; however, based on the information I had at the time and my life circumstances at the moment, my actions were the best decisions I could make.
My life has been complicated. My childhood was extremely complicated. I continue now with these complications when dealing with family members who are difficult and toxic.
I wish I could run away and never see some things, and someones ever again. That is the extreme form of setting boundaries, especially for people who refuse to respect the boundaries you set for them.
For me, that would be the best, running away, but for one person–the person who loves me the most–it would be painful, too painful, and forever painful.
So I keep going on in life trying to find “some kind of happiness.”
When I look at James Allen Rideout, Jr.’s positive attitude towards life, even as he approached the end of his life, knowing the end was near…
I am ashamed of my negative thoughts and feelings. I wish I had a more positive attitude towards life. I wish I thought more like James.
In a way he had more hope than me.
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