Free Fallin’

I feel like I’m in the sky falling backwards,
always looking up.

I don’t know where I’m falling to,
and I don’t know when I’ll hit bottom.

All I see is the sky.

I feel no fear.
I feel no pain.
Feel? Do I really feel?
I feel nothing,
as always.

I don’t know if I can breathe.

All I want to do is hold my breath.
I need to make sure
I don’t do that too much.
It’s not good for me
trying not to breathe.

Breathe, Tony. Breathe.

I’m forever, forever, forever, forever…

“Free Fallin’”
falling
falling
falling.

Fallin’ free in the world
sings Tom Petty.
Falling into nothing,
for a while I could leave.

I am dealing with Bradycardia
–with a pulse rate less than 60 beats per minute (bpm),
sometimes 35.

I find myself not breathing enough,
which has lowered my heart rate.
Unconsciously, I’m trying to stop it all.
I also find it difficult to have a reason to go on.

Breathe, Tony. Breathe.

My life is difficult.
It’s been a living hell.
It is a living hell.

What is hell?
This is it.

There must be somewhere, something better.

Is it so bad to want to go there?
to someplace better.

Breathe, Tony. Breathe.

Fight.
Fright.
or
Freeze.

I often Freeze,
more like almost always Freeze.
Now, I’m freezing more and more of me.
Could it become all of me?

Do I have this?
Have I given up the will to live?
Is this what I have?

Is it “give up-itis?” (GUI)

Give-up-itis: When people just give up and die

Breathe, Tony.
41 bpm.
You waited too long
this time.
Breathe! Tony.
Breathe! Damn it! Breathe!

I wonder when I will hit bottom.
I’m too scared to turn around and
look down to find out.
I forever look up.

I hear the words of a song–
“I am weary and sick of trying.
I’m tired of living, but scared of dying…”
It…
rings in my head.
sings in my head.
clings into my head.

I shake it, and shake it, and shake it, but,
it won’t go away.
It won’t leave my head.
won’t leave my head
leave my head
leave

Breathe, Tony. Breathe.

The End

“I’m Tired of Living, but Scared of Dying….” Judy Garland – The Writings of AjTony Perkins

Psychogenic death: 5 signs of giving up the will to live

Bradycardia – Symptoms and causes – Mayo Clinic

Nothing really matters, anyone can see
Nothing really matters
Nothing really matters to me
–Freddie Mercury

Nothing Really Matters… – The Writings of AjTony Perkins