As I approach Labor Day, which is actually tomorrow, I realize this year I had no summer.
Every summer, I enjoy sitting outside in the cool evening air, smoking a cigar, and drinking a beer. I delighted in this routine for several years. This year I didn’t do that. I didn’t have my summer.
Previously, I have written how much I enjoy sitting in my yard in the late evenings, smoking cigars and drinking beer. I would do this several times a week during the summer months.
I realized today that I haven’t done this once this summer.
The past six months have been a living hell for me. Due to the selfish actions of my toxic mother, I would be exhausted every evening around five or six o’clock. I would often collapse in exhaustion, and almost every evening I would fall asleep sitting upright in a chair, a position that in the past I could never fall asleep in.
When I would awake an hour or so later, I was too weak and groggy to do much of anything. I would be half awake for a couple of hours only to fall asleep later.
I was incapable of doing activities that I found rewarding. In addition to smoking and drinking in my yard, I was too tired to lift weights at the Y, go to the cigar bar, go to Jiu-jitsu, and just plain get out of the house. I was too tired to go to my men’s meeting.
My mother knew of my exhaustion. She was aware of it. She witnessed it, yet she did nothing to help.
That woman who gave birth to me robbed me of my energy and thus stole my summer away from me. Having a baby pop out of your vagina does not make a female a mother. I had a womb incubator, not a mother. To this day, I still don’t have one.
Even coming to this conclusion is exhausting.
As I said above, today for the first time I realized I didn’t once go outside in the evenings and smoke and drink a couple of beers.
Where did the summer go? I didn’t experience it this year.
For me, this was the year with no summer.
Drinking Schlitz and Smoking Swisher Sweets – The Writings of AjTony Perkins
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